TWO TYPES OF MARRIAGES
As individuals, different people live by
different standards. Couples do, too. And in understanding successful and
unsuccessful marriage, it's important to understand that what connotes success
to one couple may mean failure to another. For example, some couples take pride
and obtain considerable gratification in participating in community cultural
life. For them, this constitutes an extension of their good marriage. To other
couples, with different tastes, that same involvement may seem to be a means of
escape from an inadequate marriage. When a couple believes their marriage is
happy, it may well be happy to them even if outsiders question the fact. But
sociologists have recognized that if some objective criteria could be found,
they might help to give married people fresh insights into their relationships.
After studying 437 men and women, Dr. John
Cuber, professor of sociology at Ohio State University, has concluded that
marriages can be divided into two basic types. One, called utilitarian, serves
primarily as a means to such familiar ends as establishing a home, having
children, furthering a career, or enjoyment of wealth and prestige. The other,
called intrinsic, makes such considerations second in importance to the
intimate relationship of the partners. All marriages do not fall neatly into
one or the other category or remain constant. One category is not necessarily
better than the other; each type of marriage reflects a different philosophy
and serves different needs.
But the categories and their patterns
provide a basis for psychologists to determine how well a marriage is
functioning and may help people, as Dr. Cuber notes, to "discard the idea
of a perfect marriage and be spared the frustration of measuring their lives by
impossible standards." While a utilitarian couple may look upon marriage
as a means to comfort and security, and while they may have only minor sexual
feel- ings for one another, they do get along. And while the intrinsic couple
find great pleasure in each other, enjoying differences as well as same-
nesses, revealing their secret thoughts and feelings to each other without
embarrassment, yielding to the limits of intimacy and fulfilling their sexual
natures, this type of bond, ideal as it may seem, sometimes leaves no room for
the outside world to enter. And when external pressures invade, as they
invariably do, the marriage can be in jeopardy.
The utilitarian marriage, which thrives on
outside interests, may have a greater chance for longevity. As a follow-up to
the Cuber theory and in an effort to see what early signs might provide a
preview of what will happen to couples, investigators at the National Institute
of Mental Health worked with volunteer couples who had been married just three
months and were of comparable age and social background. After extensive
interviews and detailed questionnaires, the couples were given a color matching
test to take together to determine how they handled conflict. Some couples
virtually went into combat; others argued much like lawyers; some refused to
argue and gave in almost immediately.
There were also some who listened carefully
to each other's point of view and eventually agreed to disagree. The latter
couples maintained their faith in themselves and their relationship, and it is
these couples who develop intrinsic marriages. Those who seemed to concede too
quickly may find themselves in a utilitarian marriage or even in a devitalized
marriage in which the partners start out with high hopes and settle into a life
of apathy and disappointment. Becoming familiar with marriage patterns may
enable couples to understand the real nature of their relationship and may help
them move toward the relationship they want.
