Today, it is being recognized that self-devaluation poses a
serious threat to emotional health and even physical health. It begins in
childhood, is internalized during adolescence, and reaches its full devastative
power in adulthood. Bitterly painful, it can sap a person's joy in living and
dilute his incentive for active life-participation. Parents can do much to
avoid self-devaluation for their children. All of us have met adults who are
influenced by severe self- devaluation.
They can be recognized through the
manifestation of one or several symptoms: depressed mood; hopelessness and
futility expressed in speech and manner; fatigue, low interest level, and difficulty
in con- centrating; and, in severe cases, chronic sleep disturbance, motor
retarda- tion, loss of appetite and weight, and suicidal thoughts or attempts.
It appears that self-devaluation takes root in the potent emotional atmosphere
of childhood when conditions are such that parental influ- ences can combine
with a child's receptive, immature personality to pro- duce a self-devaluating
response.
Our society itself, because of the emphasis on achievement
and the discredit heaped on failure or departure from "norms," is
devaluative. Yet an adult who has not been molded in a self-devaluative pattern
in childhood has a far better chance of taking in stride any devaluative
influences of society and of living a happy and useful life. What makes a child
self-devaluative, a victim of self-unacceptance? A primary source is parental
belittling-and this, often, in ways that do not seem obviously belittling. The
fact is that in our culture behavior is evaluated within a kind of moralizing,
good-bad framework.
The framework provides unrealistic standards for conduct,
characterizes conduct as either good or bad, and is not flexible enough for
understanding and dealing with children.
For example, if a preschool child is abnormally docile, if
he withdraws from active play to avoid getting his clothing dirty, he may be
labeled good. On the other hand, a normally aggressive or negativistic child
may be called bad.
Unless they are aware of the lack of validity and the danger
of this good-bad framework, parents use it in controlling behavior. It is
usually not enough for many parents to say, "No," firmly to a child's
immature behavior which affects the rights of parents or others; somehow, they
feel they must say, "No, you naughty child." They use other berating
words, such as "bad," "ridiculous," "stupid,"
"silly." They may say, "I'm ashamed of you." Subjected to
such beratings, children may begin to use them on themselves, growing up to be
dissatisfied with and even ashamed of them.
There is a danger, too, in using
guilt to control a child. Some parents may allow a child, for example, to
destroy a toy, or hurt a brother or sister, and, after the deed, give the child
a shaming lecture or series of lectures, telling him of their disgust with him,
of how sorry he should be for what he has done.
