Under the influence of such guilt feelings, a child, instead
of learning self-control, may learn to think of himself in a devaluated way.
Some parents often use unfavorable comparison of a child with an- other child
or with their own behavior and achievements as children. The child may begin to
internalize this unfavorable comparison and go on comparing himself unfavorably
with parents, sibling, or others, be- coming convinced that he is wanting in
some respects.
However complex this may make discipline seem to be, any loving,
mature parent, through knowledge of the risks, can avoid methods that produce
self-devaluating attitudes in a child. And it should be remem- bered that none
of us is perfect, and it is not an occasional blow-up, an isolated instance of
a guilt-producing lecture or unfortunate comparison that is likely to do harm,
but rather a repeated pattern. Some Guides for Discipline During a child's
first year, he is absolutely dependent for everything, and we consider it unwise
to put any responsibility on him for either his cleanliness or safety.
Babies and toddlers are not being willful when they are
eager to explore. We need to help and encourage them as much as possible in
their explorations and not frustrate them every time they go for an appealing
object. Starting in the second year, a child should be taught that certain
things must be avoided. A firm "No" is certainly in order when he
plays near the stove, climbs on a table, or starts for a sharp knife.
However,
it is best to prohibit as little as possible and to remove dangerous
temptations, as much as possible, breakable items, sharp-edged furniture, and
other treasured or potentially hazardous items should be temporarily removed.
Often, by the time a child is three, he is ready to accept a certain, definite
amount of discipline for his own safety and that of other people.
To determine whether you may be demanding too much of a
child, try to count the number of times a day you and the other adults in the
house- hold say "No," or exert pressure in another manner. If you
discover that the child is exposed to an almost continuous chorus of negatives,
you can be reasonably certain that discipline is too strict. Try to find ways
to assume more responsibility or to make it easier for your child to do so.
Your child does not "need" to be punished. Provided there is a good
relationship between parents and children, most difficulties can be re- solved
without resort to punishments. Consider how a good nursery- school teacher or camp
counselor is able to handle many children, usually without punishment.
Of course, parents have other things to attend to besides
their children, and a punishment often seems like a shortcut. We don't suggest
you should never punish a child. If, for example, your firm "No"
fails to stop him from reaching for a forbidden, dangerous object, a slap on
the hand will probably stop him, and in most cases will cause him little more
than momentary discomfort. Children usually have a good sense of fair play and
know when punishment has been deserved and can accept it in good spirit.
Of
course, none of us invariably does what he knows he should. You will sometimes
act impulsively, without careful consideration of the situ- ation, perhaps
because you are tired. Don't worry too much about that. Children are resilient.
Tell your child honestly that you acted unfairly because you didn't understand.
The child will forgive and forget the punishment. We do want to emphasize that
punishments often are two-edged swords, doing more harm than good.
It is
extremely difficult to find an "ideal" punishment that will
accomplish what you want without causing any harm. Nagging, threatening, or
shaming a child can have a very bad effect. Never punish him for things that are
not his fault, for acting like a child rather than an adult.
