NUMBER OF FRIENDS
Generally, men and women who have had many
friends of each sex before marriage are likely to be the types who will make
satisfactory mates.
MEMBERSHIP IN ORGANIZATIONS
It
may be a good sign if an individual is a member of a social, labor, or other
club or organization, indicating that he accepts, and is accepted by, a large
group of people.
EMOTIONAL ADJUSTMENT
Obviously, people who are emotionally well-
adjusted have the best chance for happiness in life and for making the many
adjustments required in marriage. Some authorities list the following
characteristics which should be considered before marriage and advise that at
least two of the good characteristics should be present: GOOD BAD Optimistic
personality Pessimistic personality Dominating personality Cooperativeness
Consideration and sympathy Inconsiderate and unsympathetic Some degree of
emotional dependence Too self-sufficient emotionally; too much narcissism or
self-love Dependent personality; too strong an attachment to parents
NEUROTIC MARRIAGES
What do most people seek when they marry?
Happiness, of course, but other things, too
Some
marry for security; some for love; some for prestige or social gain; some
because it is time to marry, to be grown-up, or to have children and family.
There are other conscious, and socially acceptable, reasons. But if, without
realizing it, people marry for buried neurotic reasons, a marriage is not
likely to be successful. For example, some men marry women not really as wives
but as mothers; and some women seek fathers in their spouses rather than
husbands. Some people seek mates who will serve as father and mother, the
omnipotent decision-making parents of early childhood.
Some unhappiness is to be expected in every
marriage, but when the unhappiness is constant and pervading, outweighing the
pleasure and satisfaction that should be expected of marriage, the marriage is
neurotic. It is sometimes possible for a neurotic marriage to seem to go along
fairly well but it is so precariously balanced that any new factor may tip the
scales. That is especially likely when a child is born, for then the neurotic
partner may find the situation intolerable, regarding the child as a
competitor. It is helpful to understand that the neurotic factors an adult
brings into marriage are likely to have had origins in childhood. Thus, the son
of a domineering father who made all the decisions may have a desire to avoid
adult responsibility and may well seek a wife who will make the family decisions.
If he finds such a wife, his marriage may be far from blissful but not an
outright obvious failure. But if the wife, like he, is a decision avoider,
there can be chaos as each waits for the other to move. Many factors in
childhood may-though they certainly do not necessarily always-lead to
difficulties in marriage.
They include sibling (brother or sister)
rivalry, favoritism, too demanding or too indulgent parents, parental discord
and divorce, uncertain parental discipline, over- protectiveness. It is helpful
to understand the influence of such factors both in terms of choosing a
marriage partner and, later, if there should be difficulty. Such understanding
may in itself help a little to ease the problem, and it may permit proper help
to be sought to save the marriage.
