A couple is sexually normal in the broadest sense if each
derives the greatest pleasure from insertion of the male genital organ into
that of the female. But this does not mean that experimentation to obtain
satisfaction by other means is abnormal. For example, there is certainly
nothing abnormal for a man who reaches climax rapidly, before his wife does, to
make it possible for her to achieve climax by manual manipulation. There is
nothing abnormal about any caress, in the foreplay before coitus that both
partners find pleasurable.
The oral zone-mouth, lips, and tongue-is, to a greater or
lesser degree, a sexual one. Some couples find the genital kiss important for
fullest sexual satisfaction. This does not constitute abnormality. We have
described sexual deviations earlier (page 348). In doing so, we noted that
mature people usually carry with them some holdovers from childhood. These may
lead to problems in marriage if they happen seriously to conflict with those of
a partner-if, for example, a man derives pleasure from seeing his wife's body
but she feels distaste for exposing her body. Such differences often can be
resolved provided both partners approach sex matters open-mindedly and
intelligently and not with indignation or shame.
In some cases, however, it may
be impossible to reconcile maladjustment without trained assistance. The
following are some examples. You will find additional discussion of these
problems on page 350. Of course, we are not referring to people who have a
trace of the following characteristics but rather to extreme cases.
NARCISSISM
Women (or, a little
less often, men) who have this problem can love only themselves. If their
partners love them, they have that much in common-love of the same person. But
the partner usually, and rightly, wants more than that. A successful marriage,
including successful sex relations, is usually impossible as long as one
partner remains extremely narcissistic.
MASOCHISM AND SADISM
There are marriages
in which the husband or wife seems to enjoy being dominated, even badly
treated, by the other partner, while the partner enjoys treating the spouse
badly. But things seldom work out so neatly, and even when they do, they don't
constitute happiness.
EXCESSIVE SEXUALITY (NYMPHOMANIA AND SATYRISM)
We do not refer to
instances in which one partner is more highly sexed than the other.
Consideration, based upon love, will find ways to bridge such differences under
ordinary circumstances. But compulsive sexuality that cannot be satisfied has
roots that love cannot reach. Fortunately, this condition is rare.
PROMISCUITY
A truly promiscuous
person has coitus as readily with one person as another, with no wish for real
intimacy in the sexual act. This is not the same as infidelity, although the
two may overlap. Promiscuity is more serious; infidelity is more common and
leads to many unhappy marriages. Actually, both infidelity and promiscuity,
while they may indicate something wrong in an individual, may be indications as
well of something wrong in a marriage. We wish every husband and wife faced
with the problem of infidelity would not be satisfied with simply blaming the
"other man" or "other woman" but would honestly face the
question, "What is wrong with yourself, your spouse, or your marriage?"
REPRESSION
People are said to be
sexually repressed when they have pushed the normal sex instinct so far below
the surface of consciousness that they feel indifference, distaste, or even
repugnance for sex. There are, of course, degrees of repression and, in mild cases;
it may melt away in the warmth of love. But in extreme cases it may make
happiness in marriage impossible.
THE UNRESOLVED "OEDIPUS COMPLEX
A man seeking his mother when he chooses a wife, or a woman
wanting a husband to take the place of her father, will not find what they
seek. Sometimes a degree of happiness may be possible for a "little
girl" wife who needs to be mothered. But there will be no true happiness
in the marriage because such people cannot be good spouses and certainly not
good parents.
