WHAT ARE ABNORMAL SEX PRACTICES BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN?

A couple is sexually normal in the broadest sense if each derives the greatest pleasure from insertion of the male genital organ into that of the female. But this does not mean that experimentation to obtain satisfaction by other means is abnormal. For example, there is certainly nothing abnormal for a man who reaches climax rapidly, before his wife does, to make it possible for her to achieve climax by manual manipulation. There is nothing abnormal about any caress, in the foreplay before coitus that both partners find pleasurable.

The oral zone-mouth, lips, and tongue-is, to a greater or lesser degree, a sexual one. Some couples find the genital kiss important for fullest sexual satisfaction. This does not constitute abnormality. We have described sexual deviations earlier (page 348). In doing so, we noted that mature people usually carry with them some holdovers from childhood. These may lead to problems in marriage if they happen seriously to conflict with those of a partner-if, for example, a man derives pleasure from seeing his wife's body but she feels distaste for exposing her body. Such differences often can be resolved provided both partners approach sex matters open-mindedly and intelligently and not with indignation or shame.

 In some cases, however, it may be impossible to reconcile maladjustment without trained assistance. The following are some examples. You will find additional discussion of these problems on page 350. Of course, we are not referring to people who have a trace of the following characteristics but rather to extreme cases.

NARCISSISM

 Women (or, a little less often, men) who have this problem can love only themselves. If their partners love them, they have that much in common-love of the same person. But the partner usually, and rightly, wants more than that. A successful marriage, including successful sex relations, is usually impossible as long as one partner remains extremely narcissistic.

MASOCHISM AND SADISM

 There are marriages in which the husband or wife seems to enjoy being dominated, even badly treated, by the other partner, while the partner enjoys treating the spouse badly. But things seldom work out so neatly, and even when they do, they don't constitute happiness.

EXCESSIVE SEXUALITY (NYMPHOMANIA AND SATYRISM)

 We do not refer to instances in which one partner is more highly sexed than the other. Consideration, based upon love, will find ways to bridge such differences under ordinary circumstances. But compulsive sexuality that cannot be satisfied has roots that love cannot reach. Fortunately, this condition is rare.

PROMISCUITY

 A truly promiscuous person has coitus as readily with one person as another, with no wish for real intimacy in the sexual act. This is not the same as infidelity, although the two may overlap. Promiscuity is more serious; infidelity is more common and leads to many unhappy marriages. Actually, both infidelity and promiscuity, while they may indicate something wrong in an individual, may be indications as well of something wrong in a marriage. We wish every husband and wife faced with the problem of infidelity would not be satisfied with simply blaming the "other man" or "other woman" but would honestly face the question, "What is wrong with yourself, your spouse, or your marriage?"

 REPRESSION

 People are said to be sexually repressed when they have pushed the normal sex instinct so far below the surface of consciousness that they feel indifference, distaste, or even repugnance for sex. There are, of course, degrees of repression and, in mild cases; it may melt away in the warmth of love. But in extreme cases it may make happiness in marriage impossible.

THE UNRESOLVED "OEDIPUS COMPLEX

A man seeking his mother when he chooses a wife, or a woman wanting a husband to take the place of her father, will not find what they seek. Sometimes a degree of happiness may be possible for a "little girl" wife who needs to be mothered. But there will be no true happiness in the marriage because such people cannot be good spouses and certainly not good parents.