COURTSHIP
Thus marriage, important to society, very
important to the individuals involved, with considerable impact on both
emotional and physical health, is a complex relationship, one not yet, and
possibly never likely to be, scientifically blocked out, with definitive
pretests to guide young people before they enter into it. Not for one moment do
we suggest here that a young couple contemplating marriage can depend upon any
set of tests or rules to determine whether theirs will be a happy marriage. But
certainly some exploration and stock-taking are in order before entering into
such a significant contract.
However much the heart races at the sight
of the beloved, do not rush into marriage
Give
yourself and your potential future mate a chance to know each other. Face up to
the fact that you should not marry anyone with the idea in the back of your
mind of reforming him or her. Remember you are marrying an adult with fairly
well fixed habits and tastes. If you marry for what your partner is, not for
what he or she may become, it will save you a lot of disillusionment.
Use the time before marriage to discuss and
try to reach basic understandings on all important matters
Should the wife work? For how long? Are the
husband's earnings adequate for both to live on? Who will manage the family
income? How many children? How should they best be brought up? These are
examples of questions that have to be faced at some time and may best be faced
before marriage. Some additional questions may serve as a helpful guide;
You really enjoy spending most of your
leisure time together?
Do you both enjoy the same friends?
Do you have compatible tastes in books,
movies, art, sports, and other activities? Do your feelings and tastes about
the kind of home you hope to have match reasonably well?
Do you agree on whether or not to have
children and on their upbringing?
Does the prospective husband like to putter
around the house, build and fix things, do gardening?
Does the prospective wife like to cook,
sew?
Do you both have the same basic philosophy
about life and your goals in life, the nonmaterial as well as material?
Do
you have the same religion or agree on attitudes toward religion?
Do you like or share each other's attitudes
toward parents?
And are you in agreement on ways to deal
with them?
Will you be likely, as best you can
determine now after serious thought, to love each other when you are old?
Any couple who might answer "yes"
to every question would be a rare one. You should not expect, nor desire, a
mate who is a mere carbon copy of you. Disagreement on minor matters makes for
stimulating conversation. Basic antagonisms, however, are another matter and
intro- duce risk into marriage. Certain questions are more important than
others. There should be a positive "yes" to the questions that are
starred. About the seventh question: Religious disagreements have been found to
playa small part in disturbing a marriage. These differences tend to be worked
out satisfactorily during the courtship. After marriage, the problem is usually
centered on the religious upbringing of children. The eighth question involves
inlaws, who have been the cause of many marital upsets.
The courtship period is the ideal time to
get to know them and make every attempt to like and be liked. The courtship
period goes through several stages. Usually it has been preceded by
"dating"-a time when the opposite sex is met at dances, school,
clubs, and gatherings of various types. Dating should be constructive, a time
for meeting different kinds of people and for enjoyment, but also for
thoughtful exploration and understanding of members of the opposite sex.
Courtship may be said to begin with "keeping company," when, after
something "clicks" between two people, other dating falls off.
"Going steady" usually follows; the attachment has become stronger.
Private understanding is a succeeding phase for many couples. They have
exchanged avowals of love.
