Ask these questions to avoid Mental Illness

COURTSHIP

Thus marriage, important to society, very important to the individuals involved, with considerable impact on both emotional and physical health, is a complex relationship, one not yet, and possibly never likely to be, scientifically blocked out, with definitive pretests to guide young people before they enter into it. Not for one moment do we suggest here that a young couple contemplating marriage can depend upon any set of tests or rules to determine whether theirs will be a happy marriage. But certainly some exploration and stock-taking are in order before entering into such a significant contract.

However much the heart races at the sight of the beloved, do not rush into marriage

 Give yourself and your potential future mate a chance to know each other. Face up to the fact that you should not marry anyone with the idea in the back of your mind of reforming him or her. Remember you are marrying an adult with fairly well fixed habits and tastes. If you marry for what your partner is, not for what he or she may become, it will save you a lot of disillusionment.

Use the time before marriage to discuss and try to reach basic understandings on all important matters

 Should the wife work? For how long? Are the husband's earnings adequate for both to live on? Who will manage the family income? How many children? How should they best be brought up? These are examples of questions that have to be faced at some time and may best be faced before marriage. Some additional questions may serve as a helpful guide;

You really enjoy spending most of your leisure time together?

Do you both enjoy the same friends?

Do you have compatible tastes in books, movies, art, sports, and other activities? Do your feelings and tastes about the kind of home you hope to have match reasonably well?

Do you agree on whether or not to have children and on their upbringing?

Does the prospective husband like to putter around the house, build and fix things, do gardening?

Does the prospective wife like to cook, sew?

Do you both have the same basic philosophy about life and your goals in life, the nonmaterial as well as material?

 Do you have the same religion or agree on attitudes toward religion?

Do you like or share each other's attitudes toward parents?

And are you in agreement on ways to deal with them?

Will you be likely, as best you can determine now after serious thought, to love each other when you are old?

Any couple who might answer "yes" to every question would be a rare one. You should not expect, nor desire, a mate who is a mere carbon copy of you. Disagreement on minor matters makes for stimulating conversation. Basic antagonisms, however, are another matter and intro- duce risk into marriage. Certain questions are more important than others. There should be a positive "yes" to the questions that are starred. About the seventh question: Religious disagreements have been found to playa small part in disturbing a marriage. These differences tend to be worked out satisfactorily during the courtship. After marriage, the problem is usually centered on the religious upbringing of children. The eighth question involves inlaws, who have been the cause of many marital upsets.

The courtship period is the ideal time to get to know them and make every attempt to like and be liked. The courtship period goes through several stages. Usually it has been preceded by "dating"-a time when the opposite sex is met at dances, school, clubs, and gatherings of various types. Dating should be constructive, a time for meeting different kinds of people and for enjoyment, but also for thoughtful exploration and understanding of members of the opposite sex. Courtship may be said to begin with "keeping company," when, after something "clicks" between two people, other dating falls off. "Going steady" usually follows; the attachment has become stronger. Private understanding is a succeeding phase for many couples. They have exchanged avowals of love.

Each has, if possible, been introduced to the other's family. Engagement is the final test before marriage. It should be the time for free, honest, and practical talk, for getting to know one another at deeper levels, for real understanding of each other's personality defects and for deciding about compatibility. For the average couple, one year has been suggested as a minimum engagement period. There is no ironclad rule; some couples need more time than others to get thoroughly acquainted or have had more time to do so prior to becoming engaged. But whirl- wind courtship should be avoided; too often it leads to divorce.