HANDLING WORRIES
All worry cannot be escaped. If you face a lawsuit, has a
loved one who is dying, or a business that is failing, you can hardly be blamed
for worry. But many people tend to worry over problems in advance, problems
that often never actually materialize. One of America's most distinguished
psychiatrists used to teach his students two cardinal propositions about worry.
One: Don't worry about something that is not your worry. Is a son or daughter,
someone else in the family, or perhaps a friend taking what seems to you to be
an inordinate amount of time to decide something, perhaps to marry someone you
think highly desirable? That is not really your problem. You may have advice to
offer. Offer it tactfully.
Then quit worrying. The decision is not yours to make. Why
worry yourself sick uselessly? The second proposition: If it isn't your worry
now, let it lie. Worry only if, and when, the problem actually comes up. There
are other sound principles, too. Worry about a problem when it really faces
you. Then worry in the sense of examining it carefully, considering possible
alternative solutions, and coming to a decision.
Then waste no more time, worry
no longer over that problem. Decide what to do-and do it. Don't make yourself
sick because you can't make up your mind about things. You can decide; chances
are you will make some mistakes, but you will also make mistakes if you decide,
undecided, and keep up a worrisome process of indecision.
If you are worried
about something, invest your time and talents in trying to resolve the problem;
but if you find that you can't resolve it and some expert could resolve it for
you or help you resolve it, make the sound investment of getting his
advice-whether it is a physician who can resolve your worry about a lump in a
breast or a good lawyer who can advise about a threatened lawsuit.
One bit of
advice that wise physicians also often impart to patients: If you really must
worry (realistically), do it by day, not by night; use your nights for
sleeping. It's important to realize that all of us have problems; they are
evidence that we are alive. And while we can rise to their challenge and
develop skill in handling them, it may well be-as some physicians believe,
based on their experience with many troubled patients-that if we adopt a policy
of letting nothing bother us unduly, that alone would solve 80 percent of our
problems.
That is not a matter of irresponsibility. But we do have to
recognize that many, if not virtually all, of us quite humanly tend to
exaggerate several things: first, our own importance in matters; second, other
people's importance in our lives; and, not least of all, the importance of what
appear to be problems. If you think you have a problem, you may indeed have
one; but often, if you examine the situation closely, you will find that there
is no real problem and all you needed to realize the lack of a problem was an
awareness and understanding of some facts that might not have been recognized
before.
If there is an actual problem, decide whether it is really yours or
someone else's. If it is your own problem, determine whether it is some- thing
you are likely to solve with the knowledge and skills you possess. If it is so,
go ahead. But if it is not, put the problem into the lap of an expert who can
solve it.
