How to handle worries?

HANDLING WORRIES

All worry cannot be escaped. If you face a lawsuit, has a loved one who is dying, or a business that is failing, you can hardly be blamed for worry. But many people tend to worry over problems in advance, problems that often never actually materialize. One of America's most distinguished psychiatrists used to teach his students two cardinal propositions about worry. 

One: Don't worry about something that is not your worry. Is a son or daughter, someone else in the family, or perhaps a friend taking what seems to you to be an inordinate amount of time to decide something, perhaps to marry someone you think highly desirable? That is not really your problem. You may have advice to offer. Offer it tactfully.

Then quit worrying. The decision is not yours to make. Why worry yourself sick uselessly? The second proposition: If it isn't your worry now, let it lie. Worry only if, and when, the problem actually comes up. There are other sound principles, too. Worry about a problem when it really faces you. Then worry in the sense of examining it carefully, considering possible alternative solutions, and coming to a decision. 

Then waste no more time, worry no longer over that problem. Decide what to do-and do it. Don't make yourself sick because you can't make up your mind about things. You can decide; chances are you will make some mistakes, but you will also make mistakes if you decide, undecided, and keep up a worrisome process of indecision.

 If you are worried about something, invest your time and talents in trying to resolve the problem; but if you find that you can't resolve it and some expert could resolve it for you or help you resolve it, make the sound investment of getting his advice-whether it is a physician who can resolve your worry about a lump in a breast or a good lawyer who can advise about a threatened lawsuit.

 One bit of advice that wise physicians also often impart to patients: If you really must worry (realistically), do it by day, not by night; use your nights for sleeping. It's important to realize that all of us have problems; they are evidence that we are alive. And while we can rise to their challenge and develop skill in handling them, it may well be-as some physicians believe, based on their experience with many troubled patients-that if we adopt a policy of letting nothing bother us unduly, that alone would solve 80 percent of our problems.

That is not a matter of irresponsibility. But we do have to recognize that many, if not virtually all, of us quite humanly tend to exaggerate several things: first, our own importance in matters; second, other people's importance in our lives; and, not least of all, the importance of what appear to be problems. If you think you have a problem, you may indeed have one; but often, if you examine the situation closely, you will find that there is no real problem and all you needed to realize the lack of a problem was an awareness and understanding of some facts that might not have been recognized before. 

If there is an actual problem, decide whether it is really yours or someone else's. If it is your own problem, determine whether it is some- thing you are likely to solve with the knowledge and skills you possess. If it is so, go ahead. But if it is not, put the problem into the lap of an expert who can solve it.